Tag Archives: sarcasm

A catchy title that makes you wanna read this

Last time I blogged I was embarrassingly unemployed and somewhat happy about it. Now, I’m a teacher who hates teaching yet enjoys it.  And if my boss is reading this I AM KIDDING I LOVE TEACHING, YOU CHOSE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB, DEFINTELY. Once I started teaching I lost contact with earth, I rarely called my friends, I rarely watched movies or series, I rarely watched the news, I rarely  logged on Facebook or Twitter, I occasionally had a decent conversation with my family, I never blogged and I  never read a book (I’m not complaining boss, not complaining.) So this blog is basically written to my friends and relatives who think that I flat lined or in other words- died, people I’m a live AND I LOVE MY JOB. Sunday the 19th marks my safe return to earth, Eid holiday has arrived and I arrived, maaaan I arrived. I watched 4 movies in the past three days, I watched the news and it was all about the psychopath lord Basharomort, I called all of my friends, I started reading a book and snoozed after the first page, woke up again read a line then slept and started dreaming that I was reading the book! now I think I’m having hallucinations about it, which leads me to one question: should I start worrying about myself? anyway, do you see the word “instructor” down there? that’s me, hello. I mean they did misspell my last name it’s “Murtaja” without an “o,” but instructor, me.

Enough about ME, let’s talk about Gaza. Gaza, oh Gaza. Well, there is not much to say actually. I mean same old same old. No electricity, no fuel, drones are still around, the F16s still hover and they throw fly kisses every now and then, a lot of graduates are still unemployed “and I guess after this blog I will be too” and get this, they say there might be a WAR coming. Damn it, Gaza is such a cliché!   


Gossip Drone

Spotted: supposedly “Grey’s Anatomy” on TV

    

Waky waky people of Gaza.. Drones here, your one and only source into the absolute and utter collective irritation!

Now I know this might come as a surprise but I want to actually “apologies” for a change! Leaving you for an hour this morning did not just feel right and I still feel guilty. I really want to make it up to you. I must clear my conscience, you understand right? So as they say “the sooner the better” how about tonight? Just us. It will be romantic. You know no electricity, no lights just us and candles. I promise I will do my best to drone your heads off and of course take some pictures in the process. BTW If you were lucky enough and there was electricity in your area you might want to cancel your TV plans.

Looking forward to your well-written angry tweets!
You know you don’t love me XOXO

Gossip Drone.

     

    

The idea of this blog is obviously from “Gossip Girl”


6 Hours of Light

This is not some regular black wallpaper and I am not eulogizing the death of someone or even something with this. Believe it or not, this is a picture of the streets outside of my window right now. 

  Gazans

   Gaza Strip

  Eeeh, us Gazans! You will always hear us nag about two things: The siege and the electricity and the drones, and the occupation.. ok maybe more than two things after all!


We are only allowed or gifted with 6 hours of electricity a day! “well, I guess that’s something to brag about” so 6 hours of light and the rest a total black out. No electricity hence no internet and even no network coverage for cellphone calls.

But you know what, I am not going to nag about the electricity crisis in this post. And I’m not even going to mention the “e” word. Instead I’m going to talk about something else because the last thing I’d want to read in a blog is someone pitying him/herself and their situation. And I believe a lot of Gazans will read this blog so I just don’t want to remind them. Enough is enough.

So as a more fun alternative, I’m going to talk about upcoming movies on TV. I guess we all agree that movies are always fun to talk about and criticize. Oh no wait a minute…. I can’t really talk about that because TV = “the thing that we do not speak its name” what a bummer!

Ok ok ok no problem. Something more exciting, let me see – Uh hah, 4 days ago I returned from Dubai and I got my brother an XBox game from there. Hold on a second, he didn’t even play it twice nor have I seen it in the first place because of the— damn! I’m losing my charm here!

BOOKS! Books are interesting and they say book are man’s best friend.. Ehem but they need light.. Wrong subject again

Alright, alright I got it this time, another subject change.. bear with me people

Laptops, once the battery is fully charged you won’t even need the (you know what) and it can hold up to 3 hours or more! Or you know what, I made up my mind I will talk about social media, Facebook and twitter.. they are undoubtedly the most talked about subjects  in the universe.

So Facebook ————-

 



The Trending Topics of Gaza

Attention citizens of the world, I wish to get your attention.  Message from Anonymous person from Gaza. If you are planning on visiting Gaza there are a few things/facts that you must be aware of, I repeat MUST be aware of. 

First things first, Gaza is not a place to be feared and Gazans are probably the most hospitable people on earth. But, (and there is always a but) you need to know that Gaza is like “twitter” everyday there is something trending. So here are the most trending topics in Gaza that you need to know, Just in case you decided to come down here :

 #ElectricityCrisis
See, If you’re planning on spending a long time working on an assignment or a project on your computer, make sure to “save” every single thing you do every two seconds. You never know, the electricity might fail you and go off at any time. Happens a lot.

#Unemployment
In Gaza, it’s funny to say “I’m unemployed” because the answer that you will most likely get is “aren’t we all honey!”

#GazansHeartPDF
PDFs are a Gazans best friend. If you’re a bookworm, Well don’t be. Go and find another hobby, because there aren’t a lot of books around here. So once you decide to come to Gaza, bring your books with you.

#F16s
You have to keep the windows of your house a little open. Whether it’s winter, summer or even spring, just keep them open at all times. You never know when the F16s would feel like laying some rockets here or there.

#Drones
And the Oscar for the most annoying “unmanned aerial vehicle” whose buzzing keeps you up at night and in the morning distort the signal of your TV goes to -DRONES.

 #Vocabunoia
In gaza you have to prepare yourself for paranoia along with vocabulary change. I’ll give you a couple of examples:
As for the Paranoia:
A door slammed “oh god was that an explosion?”
Thunder “F16, not F16, F16, not F16”
And the Vocabulary Change:
A mother nagging “ok ok I’ll do it  just stop droning all over my head”
A student nailing a presentation “did you see, I practically bombed the class!”

#Classico
In Gaza, the most exciting days of the year are: Eid days, First and last days of Ramadan, all the holidays, any other day that causes a no-school-day and of course Classico day. You know in Gaza football is a big deal, just like anywhere else. 85% of people around here are FC Barcelona fans and the rest are Real Madrid fans. True story!

#Teachers
In Gaza my friend, the yellow-page celebrities who are always traced by paparazzi and autograph fans and the one’s whose news is always the major topic in gossip are teachers. No, I’m not kidding.

#Facebook
Believe it or not, in Gaza FB is the 99%

#GazaBeach
Come and see our beach yourself, it’s even more beautiful than the famous Miami beach It even takes it of the map ! “Ok, I may have got carried away a little with that.”

#BachelorParties
Weddings and engagement parties are increasing these days. You will enjoy the bachelor parties guys hold at the middle of the streets where everyone is invited to come and dance and probably sing! I am not going to describe what these kinds of parties are like for I am not a spoiler, come visit Gaza and see for yourself. 

#GroomlessWeddings
Now as for the weddings themselves, you will see that groomless weddings are a trend in Gaza. The groom would be a Gazan who works abroad escaping unemployment here, and could not come to his own wedding fearing any complication in the borders.

#GazaChildren
In Gaza the children’s wildest dream is to fly a kite, they don’t know any better. 

#GazaSky
I don’t know how to break this to you but, in Gaza the only natural scene that we enjoy is the sky, no mountains, no waterfalls, no colored trees, no hills, no rivers no nothing. Just a beautiful sky and a beautiful sea.

#GazaWar
ever since 2008 and all we talk about it the war. the war has left a mark or i’d rather say a scar on our lives. 

The reason why I wrote this is mainly because I read an article on the travel.nytimes.com yesterday, (no I do not visit that website normally, not even ever) it’s just that the title of the article kind of caught my attention “The 45 places to go in 2012” I thought it was interesting so I scanned it. I saw London, Cuba, Moscow, Antarctica, Jordan and even Space! and to my surprise I didn’t find Gaza! so I wrote this in order to enlighten you all about Gaza and show you how it is worth visiting. You know despite all the trends and all.


“Have a blast”

My Thrilling birthday..

  

So as you can see, it was all going nice and cool until this one girl wrote on my wall..


30 minutes later,




and of course the “thrilling” news just kept on coming..

 

then another friend said to me..

and finally..


the thing is Gazans please be careful what you wish for your friends on their birthday specially this “have a blast”!


Drones are not an option

Gazangly speaking, I like the roaring of the F16s better than the buzzing of the drones. I mean the F16s just pass by they don’t stick around buzzing nonstop driving everybody crazy. And you know what, F16s sound like PHHHEEEWWwww… and that would be it, gone. Unlike drones. Drones my friend are different and not just any “different” they are “hostile different.” They go like DRRRRRrrrrrrrRRR!! Yes our drones don’t simply buzz “ZZZzz” they are more advanced. They DRR. I guess it’s because we are special people! ergo we get the special stuff. Drones don’t stop for gas, they don’t get rusty and the dude behind them doesn’t get a lunch break or break at all, so I think it’s safe to say that we are endowed with “full option” drones. We’re damn lucky! [sounds like an add.!]

Anyway, you know what I like most about drones? They deliver! They do their jobs hetero-perfectly, that no matter what you do: shut the windows, suffocate yourself with your billow, kill yourself, watch a movie (if you ever could! Because they distort the signal) or even drug yourself to sleep they would be there faithfully drring your head off! Actually if you did get lucky and slept at night, Guess what.. they pop in your dreams “Whoops where do you think you’re going? You can sleep but you can’t get deaf Drrrr!” and let’s face it we can’t just walk around all day with our headphones on! We gotta give our ears some rest! Hear that drones “A REST.”

Drones brought out all sorts of creativity in all people around Gaza. Some people discovered they can write, others found out that they can be real good photographers, others reviled their hidden poetry writing skills, others thought they should sign up for the next season of the X Factor because they figured out that they can actually holler! Sorry I mean sing and the others tweeted about it. You can check the hashtags #GazaMovies #DronesTaughMe #Drones  

So as long as “BIG BROTHER IS DRONING US”, drring all day long and night “especially night” we aint sleepin’ and we aint dreamin’ of sleepin’ and for that I would like to seize this opportunity and declare a sleeping strike! I will not sleep until those drones go away. Who’s with me? Gazans, puh-lease.. don’t kid yourselves, you all are in whether you like it or not! It’s not an option really.


Last Friday Day (T.G.I.F)

Gazans are endowed with the most fascinatingly dazzling options when it comes to hanging out on Fridays. Families would be puzzled by the “so many” options they have to choose from. Polls would be held. Eventually they would decide to go to the very same place they chose last Friday, and the Friday before that, and before that. The sea. The poll anyway would consist of three options (The sea, the beach and the sea). 

1.6 million People live in Gaza, only the (.6) would be staying at home -thinking of going to the sea, while the entire million would have already made up their minds and are on their way there, or are already there. The sea would be extremely jammed, you would be lucky to catch a glimpse of the shore because of the so many children, women, men and teenagers who are swimming. On the shore!

Although the atmosphere would be quite disappointing because of the amount of people around you and the fact that you can’t move from one spot to another because simply there is no other spot, yet children would be thrilled.

 Football, volleyball, beach ball and all kinds of (ball activity) would be played. Sand castles would be everywhere and horses would be ridden. The look on the face of those happy children makes you just forget the demonstration-like atmosphere around you.

There is only one place Gazans can go to and have real fun, and that is the sea. Whether it’s Friday, Sunday, Tuesday or any day during the week, sea is always the option.

ps. T.G.I.F stands for: Thank God It’s Friday.